


there is no sofa anywhere

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-13
Updated: 2010-12-13
Packaged: 2017-10-16 01:45:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/167086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captchalogue Prompt:okay<br/><a href="http://piggyjelly.freehostia.com/ftmdave.html"> http://piggyjelly.freehostia.com/ftmdave.html</a><br/>> <i>TG: i would not want lalonde laying me on a sofa and busting out the freud on me over this<i><br/>TOO BAD, DAVE<br/>I DO WANT THIS<br/>somebody make this happen for me<br/>please.</i></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	there is no sofa anywhere

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TT] \--

TT: Dave?  
TT: Are you available for discourse at this time?  
TT: I am going to take your silence as a yes.

  
==>   


You are definitely not available for discourse at this time. You are so unavailable it is like you are married, and a nun. It is like you are a nun who is married to the god of never, ever talking to flighty broads.

  
Dave: Answer.   


TG: what  
TG: why would you even do that   
TT: Hmmmm. That is, I suppose, a fair question.   
TG: damn right its a fair question   
TT: Perhaps because I am familiar with your patterns of speech and your reaction to what you perceive to be unfavorable developments. Perhaps because I know you.   
TG: im perceiving that knowing you is an unfavorable development   
TT: Could it be...?  
TT: You're frightened.   
TG: could it be that this is a fucking nightmare  
TG: oh wait if this was a nightmare things would be a lot less shitty  
TG: when im being chased by monsters they do not stop to ask me about my fucking feelings  
TG: though i guess i shouldnt go and assume  
TG: seeing as how you have some kind of fuckin soul bond shit going with every fuckin horror of the great beyond that ever laid a slimily marinaded tentacle on a needle   
TT: I suddenly understand everything.   
TG: you suddenly understand jack shit  
TG: you  
TG: i  
TG: fuck  
TG: im going to kill egbert  
TG: get out the black wool cuz funeral shrouds for retarded fucking friends are gonna be the next big thing in the land of sunshine and totally justified murder   
TT: That won't be necessary.   
TG: did you ever consider that it might be necessary for you to shut up   
TT: John was not responsible for my comprehension of your condition. I have been gathering evidence for some time. It's true that John's recent reticence on the subject of your person confirmed past all reasonable doubt what I had long suspected, but he could hardly have avoided tipping me off, once I knew what to look for.   
TG: so basically john isnt fucking terrible at keeping his big toothy mouth shut  
TG: hes just fucking terrible at not making it weird  
TG: now that he knows about my secret identity as owner of a vagina   
TT: Yes.  
TT: Does that comfort you?   
TG: yeah  
TG: it really does  
TG: god im such an idiot   
TT: That's not the word I would choose.   
TG: oh yeah whats that huh  
TG: what am i doctor lalonde  
TG: a hermaphroditic fucking failure of socialization  
TG: a tiny driblet of mucus on the end of pinocchos enormous dickish nose  
TG: that wants to be a real boy   
TT: I thought Dave would be a good start.

  
Rose: Wait for Dave to process the message and overcome his panic-induced rage.   


  
Rose: Wait for Dave to viciously suppress rising relief.   


  
Rose: Wait for Dave to understand that in the game of sentimental facetiousness, no one gets the best of Rose LaLonde.   


  
Dave: Answer.   


TG: thats  
TG: surprisingly far from being the worst idea ive ever heard   
TT: Oh?   
TG: dont get ahead of yourself  
TG: i mean its still a patronizing crock of shit   
TT: Matronizing, in this case.   
TG: see thats what im talking about  
TG: youre being nice  
TG: cuz you think you understand  
TG: and thats not cool   
TT: We cannot all aspire to reach such lows on the Kelvin scale as you have in your brief lifespan achieved.   
TG: ha ha  
TG: but what im saying is youre not wrong  
TG: but youre not right either  
TG: cuz Dave is not a start  
TG: of anything  
TG: its just me  
TG: get it   
TT: I do.  
TT: Though I would argue that, in your case  
TT: the word Dave contains whole herds of words in its brief breadth.   
TG: i  
TG: okay  
TG: i mean i guess i forgot to leave a space to put cool in there anyway  
TG: so yeah okay  
TG: i can work with that   
TT: I'm glad.  
TT: And now, I'm afraid, I have to go  
TT: and meet a monster who's caressed every inch of my wands.  
TT: I'll be sure to instruct it with regard to what inquiries it should make about your delicate emotional balance the next time you see it.   
TG: fuck you   
TT: Not today, I don't think.  
TT: Uh.   
TG: oh god  
TG: youre thinking about my tits now arent you

  
==>   


You are now thinking about Dave's tits. Fortunately, no one need ever know. Ever. Because you are completely alone, now that even Jasper has departed. Completely and utterly alone, and acting entirely unobserved. By anyone.

  
Rose: Answer.   


TT: I am not thinking about your unwanted bosom.   
TG: you are i can feel it  
TG: its pouring off your fucking text like mothers milk   
TT: Impossible. For one thing, I doubt my mother ever nursed me. The photographic record is sparse, but it is my belief that my only sustenance was fermented vegetable matter until I could digest solids.   
TG: thats  
TG: the worst thing ive ever heard  
TG: no wonder you cant resist the thought of my misassigned goddamn body   
TT: While I'm eager to hear the tale of exactly how your brother procured milk fresh from a human mammary gland for you in your infancy,  
TT: I really must go.   
TG: he fed me the ambrosia of distilled awesome obviously  
TG: containing lots of irony vitamins  
TG: you should change your handle to titty therapist  
TG: okay  
TG: see ya   
TT: I will keep that advice firmly in mind.   
TG: you do that  
TG: and rose   
TT: Yes?   
TG: i think  
TG: i think im cool  
TG: with you working it out   
TT: Is that so?   
TG: maybe more than cool   
TT: Chilled to the bone.   
TG: ha ha  
TG: yes   
TT: Well. In that case, I can tell you that I am, likewise, happier in my enlightened state.  
TT: After all, this way I may even be able to help.   
TG: wait what  
TG: what exactly are you  
TG: rose wait   
TT: Goodbye, Dave.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TT] \--

  
==>   


You are suddenly very uneasy. You feel chilled, if you will, to the bone.

Someone else is pestering you.

  
Dave: Answer Jade.   


  
Regret it.   


  
(But not very much.)   



End file.
